I haven’t written much of anything in the past couple of weeks, maybe months. It’s not that I don’t have thoughts inside this head of mine; it’s more that I can’t catch and hold them long enough to examine them. They’re like the chickadees that flit to our bird feeder and quickly grab a morsel of food and flit off again. The birds do light on the feeder. They’re there and present, but only briefly. Not long enough to be truly studied. If I want to click a photo of a chickadee I need to get it quick. That’s how I feel about my thoughts. I need to reflect quickly on them… an oxymoron if there ever was one.

I have many friends, busy wives and mothers all, who seem to be able to focus on thoughts and I’m left wondering why I’m singularly unable to. I haven’t always been this way. And then I realize that my life is like that. I do a little bit of this, a little bit of that, but not much on any one thing. I want to do many things, I am doing many things, but I’m not doing anything well. So I end up feeling bogged down and useless. Add to that some emotional stresses and I’m worse than useless.

So what to do? I do have commitments that I need to honor.

On MWF I keep a now 5month old baby. On Tuesday I teach a morning TOEFL class to internationals. I have essays to grade for that. On Tuesday night we go to a small group connected with our church. On Thursdays Juli and I go to homeschool co-op, in which I teach two classes, which take preparation and for which there are papers to grade. I help moderate an online discussion forum. I am supposed to be teaching my daughter, Juli, at home. We have our own daughter, Stephanie, and three other college students living with us. Our son, Matthew, is in the area and often needs our time and emotional energy. And, of course, there’s all the other stuff a wife and mom does. Groceries need to be bought; Juli needs to be taken to and from gymnastics four times a week… That takes a minimum of 8 hours of driving per week. Meals need to be prepared, big meals to feed a big bunch. Dishes and clothes washed, floors and bathrooms kept to a certain (low) standard, house tidied, yard work… And on top of all that are the things I feel I ought (and want) to do more of: go to Jerry’s Bible study with Chinese grad students, have people over to eat, be more deliberate in the way I live, spend more “quality” time with people I love, affect the inner city community in which we live. I want to write. … I think I get the idea.

Add to that is that there is no set routine. College students are in and out of our home. Jerry works shifts of 12 hours and they vary from week to week. It is scheduled (except when he’s asked to work extra days for someone else), but it’s a five week rotation and doesn’t correspond to the calendar week. And I like routine. I thrive on routine. So I need to get a handle on this.

Well, this isn't the kind of entry I'd envisioned writing when I began blogging, but it's where I am. Until I figure out something, it's likely where I'll be for awhile.